Ah, you are such a patient reader. So now I suppose you can see how this broken mind works sometimes. Don't worry, I'm not always so glum in my introspection.
I am an ancient 44 years old, will be 45 one month from today. I have a hard time keeping the correspondence up with "friends" in other locations. Why do I put "friends" in quotation marks? Well, that's for a future post.
I am single via two divorces, my last marriage ending way back in 1999. I have not thought of remarrying since.
I don't believe in what society has named LOVE. It is a term so very vague and nebulous, and coming in so many forms.
An old friend of mine once told me, "Love has as many definitions as there are people to define it . . ." Now that has the weight of awesome profundity- what a beautifully succinct summary of something we humans have made so abstract.
Yet I feel I should retort:
If something has so many definitions, then it really has no definition at all . . . even "giraffe" has specific meaning, doesn't it? Completely perplexing.
From a philosophical standpoint, I feel that something with infinite definitions cannot simply exist . . . even when we use the term "infinite" we can apply it only to a few things like numbers and maybe even the Universe . . . or perhaps the ability for intelligent beings to learn.
But we can count numbers, can't we? No human can live long enough to count to infinity, obviously, but numbers are real. To paraphrase Eula Biss from her brilliant essay The Pain Scale, . . . the distance from one number to the next is finite, yet the distance between them is infinite . . . which makes perfect sense because all one has to do is look at fractions.
Ah but I digress . . .
What we know as LOVE is simply specialized brain cells squirting feel-good neurochemicals onto receptors specifically designed by nature to reward us. We get the same squirts from chocolate and the aromae of bacon and coffee . . . from the spiciness of capsaicin and the ensuing warmth and "buzz" from it. Eat a scotch bonnet and feel the good feeling you get from that, well, once you stop sucking wind and drinking milk to relieve the burn.
Now don't misunderstand me. I think that man developed a sense of caring that enabled us to propagate a successful(?) mammalian species. In other words, we found that as a group that works cooperatively, we can conquer our surroundings and manage to stave off predators long enough to pass our genes along to the next generation. Long enough to think and design and build ourselves into the cities we have today.
We consider it important to practice monogamy, so we evolved a sense of longing for one another, a specific mate to (try to) stay with throughout the latter two-thirds of our lives.
Now I know that none of this is original thought, much as I'd like to claim such erudition, and I have a solution, at least one that works for me:
When I have "girlfriends," lovers, really, I give them a little speech, albeit a heartfelt one. In this speech I tell them, relatively early on and always before we become intimate, that if we decide to go to the next step, there are certain assurances I can and will give . . . certain promises that I can keep, and specific guidelines by which I can live and live well.
"Should we so choose," I tell them, "we can be monogamous, if that's where we are in our relationship. I will be supportive in all ways, including but not limited to financially and emotionally and any other way you need."
"I will never raise my voice to you (or your kids, if applicable), I will never call you hurtful names or raise a hand to you. I will consciously make an effort to never give you a reason to fear me. You will never need to fear me."
"I will be your greatest cheerleader, your partner, equal in all ways . . . I will support you and take your career seriously, doing all I can do to help you advance it."
"I will never laugh at your dreams or demean you in any way . . . I will believe in you as long as you give me reason, and I am not unreasonable. I will never lie to you, and ask the same in return."
"Before it gets ugly, if that is the road we are on, let's call it good. Let's part amicably, before we tire of one another and become spiteful and vindictive. We'll shake hands and part ways with minimal hard feelings. We'll promise to do this before we enter into another emotional or physical, intimate relationship. In other words, break it off before we cheat. If we are together for the next six months or the next 40 years, we'll do our very best to make the other happy. We'll ride the wheels off of this thing. We'll earn one another every day."
"Just don't ask me if I love you. I will not give you the answer that you want, or maybe you think you need. Not because you are not a lovable person, but because I don't know what love is. Love, in human speak, is something in which I do not believe . . . (for all those reasons listed above)"
Or something of the sort.
Lovers I have known since I have adopted this philosophy have readily agreed, and gone along, until they didn't.
Yet when these relationships ended, at least we were grateful of the minimal pain . . .
So give this all some thought. If you are between relationships, think about applying some or all of this (crazy?) philosophy and see if it works for you and others.
Just a thought. So tell me, Patient Reader, what are yours?
I am an ancient 44 years old, will be 45 one month from today. I have a hard time keeping the correspondence up with "friends" in other locations. Why do I put "friends" in quotation marks? Well, that's for a future post.
I am single via two divorces, my last marriage ending way back in 1999. I have not thought of remarrying since.
I don't believe in what society has named LOVE. It is a term so very vague and nebulous, and coming in so many forms.
An old friend of mine once told me, "Love has as many definitions as there are people to define it . . ." Now that has the weight of awesome profundity- what a beautifully succinct summary of something we humans have made so abstract.
Yet I feel I should retort:
If something has so many definitions, then it really has no definition at all . . . even "giraffe" has specific meaning, doesn't it? Completely perplexing.
From a philosophical standpoint, I feel that something with infinite definitions cannot simply exist . . . even when we use the term "infinite" we can apply it only to a few things like numbers and maybe even the Universe . . . or perhaps the ability for intelligent beings to learn.
But we can count numbers, can't we? No human can live long enough to count to infinity, obviously, but numbers are real. To paraphrase Eula Biss from her brilliant essay The Pain Scale, . . . the distance from one number to the next is finite, yet the distance between them is infinite . . . which makes perfect sense because all one has to do is look at fractions.
Ah but I digress . . .
What we know as LOVE is simply specialized brain cells squirting feel-good neurochemicals onto receptors specifically designed by nature to reward us. We get the same squirts from chocolate and the aromae of bacon and coffee . . . from the spiciness of capsaicin and the ensuing warmth and "buzz" from it. Eat a scotch bonnet and feel the good feeling you get from that, well, once you stop sucking wind and drinking milk to relieve the burn.
Now don't misunderstand me. I think that man developed a sense of caring that enabled us to propagate a successful(?) mammalian species. In other words, we found that as a group that works cooperatively, we can conquer our surroundings and manage to stave off predators long enough to pass our genes along to the next generation. Long enough to think and design and build ourselves into the cities we have today.
We consider it important to practice monogamy, so we evolved a sense of longing for one another, a specific mate to (try to) stay with throughout the latter two-thirds of our lives.
Now I know that none of this is original thought, much as I'd like to claim such erudition, and I have a solution, at least one that works for me:
When I have "girlfriends," lovers, really, I give them a little speech, albeit a heartfelt one. In this speech I tell them, relatively early on and always before we become intimate, that if we decide to go to the next step, there are certain assurances I can and will give . . . certain promises that I can keep, and specific guidelines by which I can live and live well.
"Should we so choose," I tell them, "we can be monogamous, if that's where we are in our relationship. I will be supportive in all ways, including but not limited to financially and emotionally and any other way you need."
"I will never raise my voice to you (or your kids, if applicable), I will never call you hurtful names or raise a hand to you. I will consciously make an effort to never give you a reason to fear me. You will never need to fear me."
"I will be your greatest cheerleader, your partner, equal in all ways . . . I will support you and take your career seriously, doing all I can do to help you advance it."
"I will never laugh at your dreams or demean you in any way . . . I will believe in you as long as you give me reason, and I am not unreasonable. I will never lie to you, and ask the same in return."
"Before it gets ugly, if that is the road we are on, let's call it good. Let's part amicably, before we tire of one another and become spiteful and vindictive. We'll shake hands and part ways with minimal hard feelings. We'll promise to do this before we enter into another emotional or physical, intimate relationship. In other words, break it off before we cheat. If we are together for the next six months or the next 40 years, we'll do our very best to make the other happy. We'll ride the wheels off of this thing. We'll earn one another every day."
"Just don't ask me if I love you. I will not give you the answer that you want, or maybe you think you need. Not because you are not a lovable person, but because I don't know what love is. Love, in human speak, is something in which I do not believe . . . (for all those reasons listed above)"
Or something of the sort.
Lovers I have known since I have adopted this philosophy have readily agreed, and gone along, until they didn't.
Yet when these relationships ended, at least we were grateful of the minimal pain . . .
So give this all some thought. If you are between relationships, think about applying some or all of this (crazy?) philosophy and see if it works for you and others.
Just a thought. So tell me, Patient Reader, what are yours?
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