7 May 2014
0738 hrs
Well, good
people; Dear and Patient Reader . . .
Here we are
again, folks. Back on CFF. Thanks for joining me.
So what the
fuck is up with those Republicans, eh? I
know it’s now more history than news, but y’all want to prevent the hemorrhagic
loss of women voters, right? Y’all want
to appeal to them in a new and gentler way?
Y’all are pissed off because Mitt had such a poor showing among women
voters? More on Mitt in a moment.
So y’all
think a good way of getting the fairer sex on your side is to vote down an
equal pay bill? Jesus, you stupid
assholes just make it so easy for the rest of us.
And don’t
give me that shit about how passing this bill into law will only lead to an
increase in lawsuits. You guys have
built such a fortress around corporations and lobby-backed entities that filing
a lawsuit is pretty fucking hard to do, at least against Money.
I see nothing good or right about refusing equal pay to
women. What the fuck were y’all
thinking? Geniuses like you run the
country? No wonder the world is going to
Helena Handbasket. Just when I think
y’all can’t get any more brain-dead, sorry, electro-cerebrally
silent, you pull this stupid shit.
You don’t
realize that women are the bulk of our workforce, nowadays. You don’t understand that without their
impact in our economy, there would be no economy. You certainly don’t realize that the majority
of voters this last election cycle, 55%, was made up of Men’s Better Halves. Good job in not alienating them, GOP. Good Ole Pricks.
Okay, the
story pretty much tells itself, doesn’t it?
Time to
fuck with Mitt.
Can you
imagine what it would be like to have a president who is a scientist, too? The closest we ever came to that was who,
Thomas Jefferson? That was only 200
years ago. But who’s counting?
But no, we
seem to choose the ones who are mediocre lawyers and scream the loudest about
jebus and his lurve.
But what
about the Mormons? OK, this is (yet
another) subject about which I know a great deal. How’s that for conceited, Patient Reader?
I was a
pretty secular kid, but when our dad moved us from Colorado Springs to Salt
Lake City, AKA Momo Mecca, he had us all baptized and confirmed into The Church
of Jesus (H) Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Remember, around the time the Winter Olympics came to SLC, the Mormons
wanted to start being called Latter Day Saints, or LDS.
Do y’all
non-Momos know what Momos do? What it is
in which they believe? Here’s a sort of
brief rundown: The list is made from the
dogma translated by my brain in a sort of stream of consciousness sort of way,
so forgive its unorganized feel. Also,
any of you Momodeo-does out there who find any errors in my list of Heresies,
otherwise known as facts, are free to comment.
Bring your facts.
Check out stories about the Mountain Meadows Massacre and Brigham Young's attempts to distance himself from it.
Joseph Smith
was a teenager when he knelt in the famous Grove and the Angel Moroni (the I in Moroni should, in all fairness to
accuracy, be removed)
contrary to popular belief, this is Moroni, not Gabriel.
revealed to him the location of the Golden Tablets that
contained the “Last Testament of Jesus Christ,” what you now know as the Book of
Mormon (hereafter referred to as the BM, for obvious reasons). In other words, buried treasure.
Joseph
Smith had a criminal record wherein are convictions for money-digging, a
practice where a sort of magical dowsing rod was used to find buried treasure
on someone’s land.
For a fee,
of course.
Anyway, JS
dug up these tablets, which also came with the Urim and Thummim: magical glasses attached to a breastplate that allowed the translation of
these tablets that, interestingly, only he
saw.
The breastplate
The BM is a
fable chronicling the visit of Jesus to the Americas. Yeah, after his resurrection and ascension he
came back to the Earth and visited with the Nephites and the Lamanites. The Lamanites are our modern Native Americans
and were bad and evil. So far so racist,
right?
The
Nephites are the missing tribe of Israel that came across from the Levant to
the New World via these vessels that looked sort of like enclosed cigarette
speedboats. Real Miami Vice shit. Or some kind of shit.
So the
translation took place with JS reading aloud what he saw to his “scribe,” a
fellow named Oliver Cowdery.
Oddly, JS did
not use the Urim and Thummim to translate; he used an odd form of divination
known as scrying.
Scry-y-y-y-ing . . . over you. Ah, but I digress yet again. He would drop a stone into a hat and put that
hat over his over his face and speak the words he “read” aloud to Cowdery, who
sat on the other side of a curtain
furiously filling pages with horse shit.
Here’s the
funny part: Cowdery took the first hundred plus pages home to show his
wife. Wife called bullshit. Wife hid pages and Cowdery went back to JS,
hat in hand, begging for forgiveness. JS
tried to clean it up by saying it was The Devil that did it, and that they were to begin
again. When the 100+ pages were translated
the second time, all of the elaborate names and Kings and all that jazz were
changed to so-and-so the 16th, etc. as if JS had forgotten all he
had said in the previous translation. He
cleaned that up by blaming The Devil
once again; that god knew, in his infinite wisdom, that the devil was going to Fuck
Shit Up, as the devil tends to do, and so the first translation was set up to
thwart said Shaitan. Awesome. Except it’s not.
Here are some links you should check out, in case you think
I am full of shit:
You know; just to get you started. There are several excellent books written about the bombings in SLC by Mark Hoffman. The deadly bombings were centered around the mysterious White Salamander Letter that scared the holy bejebus out of the momos.
In addition, check out this organization founded by Jerald and Sandra Tanner:
In addition, check out this organization founded by Jerald and Sandra Tanner:
This nice couple reveals a few secrets, too.
Check out Fawn Brodie’s No Man Knows My History. Ms. Brodie was a professor at UCLA, was born into
and raised by a Mormon Family in Utah, and wrote a most controversial scholarly biography on JS. She was excommunicated for going to the
trouble of telling the truth. Awesome,
guys . . . good work.
Again, prove
me wrong you hypocritical fucks who lick the boots of Death born out of fear. Fear of punishment and hope for reward. These are the only reasons the majority of
you even believe in god. Do you have any
idea how many xians said to me (once they found out I was an atheist and was
beating the shit out of them with the strong words of my argument), “What’s the
harm in believing, just in case you’re wrong?” Really? Hedge my bet?
To paraphrase that inerrant word of a perfect god, “Be ye hot or
cold . . . if you are lukewarm I will
spit you out.” Pretty cut-and-dried, if
you ask me.
See, here’s how it goes: The best thing about you is you don’t need to
worry about what I do. The best thing
about me is I don’t give a fuck what you think . . . Except for you, Patient Reader; I know that we
have a mutual respect for one-another’s opinions.
Oh, and have you seen Mormon
Jesus? Every ward house and devout Mormon
home has a picture of jesus, well, an artist’s portrait- (no one really has an actual photo of the poor
guy) that depicts jesus as this shoulder-length blond-haired, blue-eyed
individual; a sort of seventies Dan Fogelberg look. Not really what you’d expect to see in
First-Century Palestine. A Sephardic Jew
from the Mediterranean region 2000 years ago.
Seriously . . . No Shit . . . The Leader of the Band . . .
So what the hell does all of this
have to do with Mitt Romney? Can you
imagine a President of the US of A who wears funny underwear (check it out,
faithful and Patient Reader; look it up under Mormon Garments) and that god
lives in a special room in all of the Mormon temples worldwide? Remember how weird it was to the whole world
when The Reverend Moon presided over that mass wedding way back when? Hundreds of couples at once? Guess what.
It happens every day in Mormonville.
Yep; the temples conduct mass weddings all the time.
Look, I don’t want to spend the
rest of my life telling y’all about these craziest of christian denominations;
that god was once a man and became exalted into a god and that all the men in the church will become gods one
day, too. That if the woman is “sealed”
to her Family Patriarch, then she too gets to be Mrs. God; Sister God- to this
whole new universe. Only if she goddam
behaves herself. Oh, and polygamy may be
outlawed by the conventional Mormons, but only in this secular life. A man can be sealed to more than one woman,
to several subsequent wives (widowers, etc) for all time and eternity, reaching
the celestial kingdom, the greatest and best degree of glory. Oh yeah; the only degree of glory where
after-death sex is allowed. Smacks of
bullshit, does it not?
But a billion people who believe in
a talking snake makes much more sense.
Ok, Patient Reader. I know that this was a disjointed discourse;
it was written over two days and multiple interruptions peppered its progress. I think I made some valid points regarding
the GOP and their treatment of women.
Points regarding the Mitt of Romney.
Points regarding the church of jesus h christ of latter day saints . . .
So.
Until we meet again, Patient Reader, I bid a fond farewell. And always I remain,
The Cunning Fennec Fox
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